Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
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Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Yup.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”