me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
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I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
A great tip. #CakeRex
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.