reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
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Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.