“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
cats when you pet them too long:
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.