i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
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Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My hips? Compulsive liars.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
(more comics:
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.