Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
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[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Sorry not sorry.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?