At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
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Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Every time my phone rings
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.