Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
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Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring