You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
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Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”