If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
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Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute