The dark side of Canada
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Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.