If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
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Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.