[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
You Might Also Like
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
happy valentine’s day to me
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.