I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
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If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Meat Cute
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms