Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
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When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house