Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
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My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
From my Mom
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.