Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
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So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Hard not to take this personally
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
6. me as a lawyer
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*