At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
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Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
me: my friends:
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’