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I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?