*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
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wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.