Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
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HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Chicago sounds lovely.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others