Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
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BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
idk flipping houses looks really hard