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My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.