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It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”