Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
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caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
it’s the silliest best thing
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn