23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.