Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
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🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
every. time.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”