Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
You Might Also Like
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
set yourself free xox
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition