I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?