Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
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“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
this is the best day of my life
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.