i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
You Might Also Like
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Story of my life…..
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Good news
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.