Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
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if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?