Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw