That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
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Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.