If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
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Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Grandmother clock.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.