It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
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Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Milk Cube
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
pls suprot
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
<—- homeless romantic
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all