This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
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Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
moms in horror movies
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach