[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
whatcha thinkin bout
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.