I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Thoughts
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.