If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
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I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Hamburger Hinderer.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.