Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
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“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”