Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
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Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
*mops up wine with cat*
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Not today, today.
Not today.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back