“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
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{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.