[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
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ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.