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The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like