totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
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[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
😍😂🥰😂😍
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
my first dose meeting my second
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?