I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
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[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing