I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
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All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?