Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
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Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
whatcha thinkin bout
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think