Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
You Might Also Like
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you